Annie's Voice

she thought she lost her voice
but then she made a choice

she thought she had no choice
but then she found her voice

tripping
hiding under the covers
from life
unsure of her direction
never with conviction

making hard choices
forcing herself to live with them
alone
in the house she built for herself
in the house she
and no one else
bought for herself

she tells herself she is nothing
no spine no substance
no SHE
no who she is supposed to be

but no one knows or cares
who she is supposed to be

she is carving
cutting
breaking
demanding
the right road for herself
and fuck everyone else
only she can find the way

and she will find the way

even if she never
ever
ever
finds her voice.

Dream about Annie

I was setting up my dorm room, getting ready for the new year in college, when Annie called. She doesn't call on the telephone; instead I get an image of her walking with her ex-lover, saying goodbye to him, and I know she wants to talk to me.

I tell her we'll meet at Hoagie Haven. Hoagie Haven is not a couple blocks down the street like in Princeton, but down three twisted back alleyways and into the woods. There are two dirt paths, red dirt, leading to the restaurant, and Annie is walking barefoot down one dirt path. I'm heading up the other one, the one that is littered with trash from the city I just left. Annie's path is leading from the woods, from a sunlit forest on a ridgetop. Two men are following her, like puppies.

The two paths intersect, and we all stop, barefooted Annie and her followers, and me. One of the guys, a dirty, long-haired scruffy man, is asking Annie if it is ever acceptable to die for a plant. Specifically a tree. He's all fired up about some development project, and wants to make a statement by killing himself in front of the trees they are about to destroy. He is arguing philosophy, moral standards, ethical principles. Annie simply says, "No. It's never acceptable to die for a plant." She brushes him aside like a bug circling her head. The other guy is there for advice too, apparently, but after her reaction and figuring out that he is not going to get the answer he wants to hear, he leaves too.

I look at Annie, tall, confident, and I know she's good. I know, in fact, that she is better than she has ever been.

The only bad part of the dream was the 5:00 AM alarm woke me, and I never got my pastrami sandwich.

She's Strong

"Beside a well, one does not thirst. Beside a sister, one does not despair." --Chinese Proverb

I can't think of anything else to write about now other than my sister. When my sis is going through any sort of change or pain, helping her is all I think about. I want to actually live in her house and be right next to her during all of this, in fact. I want to take her burden and carry it for her and stand in front of her to deflect all the negative scary emotional vibes floating around her head right now. If she asked me to break his legs, even though he is a decent, good man and doesn't deserve it, I would do it.

There have been times I have been scared for her life, have had nightmares for her, have felt that she was lost - almost too far gone from me.

This time it feels different. She has changed into a person who faces problems head on. I'm not scared for her, only impatient for her, waiting for her to get through this change, wanting to speed it along for her. All other loyalties fall aside, do not exist. If she stole a car and went on a rampage robbing banks across the Southwest or disappeared for two years in the wilderness or started shoplifting chocolate bars from WalMart or decided to become a nun or took up scrapbooking... (all terrible, horrible things)....I would find a way to encourage her depravities.