Torn Debate

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/07/introducing-the-motherlode-book-club/

Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood is the first book in the Motherlode Book Club hosted by Lisa Belkin (see link above.) I’m a contributor; read my essay, When I Sneeze, I Pee a Little, and you might laugh a bit. And maybe pee.

Comments are coming in on the NY Times site like crazy, and I find myself not really wanting to jump in the fray. The comments range from SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) – apparently we are labeling EVERYTHING with acronyms these days, making it that much easier to stereotype people – to die-hard career women who feel they’ve sacrificed nothing as moms in high-powered jobs.

Daycare bad
Daycare good
“Daycare at 4 months old? Why don’t you just take your kid from the hospital straight to daycare?”
Contributors are a bunch of whiny rich mothers
Quit yer bitchin’
Etcetera.

Here’s the deal. Each to her own. What works for you doesn’t work for me. Vicey versey. This is a time in history when a large number of women are the primary breadwinners (especially now in the bad economy, look it up) and are mothers with responsibilities at home.

And here’s the other deal. Women’s work is this:

Laundry

Dishes

Dinner

Diapers

Bedtime

Grocery store

Dry cleaning

Vacuuming

Calendar items, including doctor and dentist appointments, financial planner, vacations

Emotional health of entire family, including remembering birthdays, hugging children when they are crying, planning family events, sympathizing with sick kids, knowing when to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, when to walk away

Etcetera.

It’s being charge of my own emotional health plus the mental health of the entire family that is the honest-to-goodness straw on the proverbial camel for me.

Of course not every woman feels this way. But the debate obviously goes on (86 comments on the NY Times blog) and some women, like me, feel divided, feel torn.

I do feel like the story of dads is missing in the book. These days young dads like my husband juggle work and family right along beside us. But my husband doesn’t feel torn. It’s not an identity crisis with him.

By the way, the name of this blog was almost Identity Code Red, which is highly dramatic but illustrates the point.

In this time of social change when both moms and dads are going through a redefinition of roles, why the hell wouldn’t we write about it?

By the way, there’s a need for more books like this, from fathers’ perspectives. Someone write that down and go make some money off the idea. Peace out.