Living Together

LIVING TOGETHER

COHABITATION AGREEMENT


Crazy Coppertop, Cohabitant No. 1, and The Old Man, Cohabitant No. 2, hereinafter jointly referred to as the Cohabitants, who now live together, hereby agree as follows:

1. The Cohabitants wish to establish their respective rights and responsibilities regarding each other’s emotional baggage and property and the emotional baggage and property that may be acquired, either separately or together, during the period of cohabitation.

2. The Cohabitants have made a full and complete disclosure to each other of all of their current emotional and mental liabilities.

3. Except as otherwise provided below, the Cohabitants waive the following rights:

a. To keep a list of “what he does” and “what she does” in order to bring it up at a later date.

b. To expect Holidays, birthdays and all such celebrations to be relaxing, joyous affairs.

c. To complain when Thanksgiving is celebrated at The Golden Corral buffet restaurant.

d. To any expectation of freedom from sarcastic comments when the other party is watching “their show.”

e. To waive subjection to any mental or emotional scars acquired during the course of parenthood, whether currently held or hereafter acquired.

f. To any expectation of private solitude on a regular basis or any expectation of pursuing “hobbies” that satisfy either parties’ interests and mental sanity.

g. To any expectation to “party it up” or dance at any sort of celebration unless they are stinking drunk.

4. RELEVANT EXCEPTIONS TO PARAGRAPH 3 ABOVE:

a. An unspoken running list that is emotionally suppressed may be kept by both parties.

b. Unspoken high expectations may be kept emotionally suppressed.

c. Complaints about the quality of food are acceptable; however, complaints about the physical presence of the family in a buffet restaurant on such a day are not.

d. No exceptions.

e. No exceptions.

f. Hobbies may be pursued covertly and with great shame and guilt.

g. No exceptions.

5. Cohabitant No. 1 is responsible for the following: Laundry, bathroom cleaning (except Cohabitant No. 2’s bathroom,) floor cleaning, washing sheets, pulling weeds, watering the garden, categorization and organization of household goods, remembering family birthdays and then reminding Cohabitant No. 2 that she will not in any circumstance take responsibility for gift-buying for said birthdays, scheduling doctor’s appointments for the children, completing school paperwork, suppressing her high expectations for holiday celebrations, planning meals, grocery shopping, and taking care of the emotional health of the entire family.

Cohabitant No. 2 is responsible for the following: mowing the lawn, killing the bugs that eat the lawn, standing at the window worrying about the bugs that are eating the lawn, making dinner, doing the dishes, performing repairs around the house, grilling, listening intently and quietly as Cohabitant No. 1 vents about her job five or six days a week, planning one vacation per year to ensure that both parties find immense satisfaction from being away from the kids, and understanding exactly why Cohabitant No. 1 “loses it and goes crazy” and reacting correctly. (Note: the definition of “correctly” can only be determined by Cohabitant No. 1 and will forever remain a secret.)

6. The Cohabitants have separate income and assets to independently provide for their own respective financial needs and materials that support any “hobbies” that may be attempted.

9. This agreement constitutes the entire agreement of the parties and may be modified only in a writing executed by both Cohabitants.

10. In the event Cohabitant No. 1 is unable to abide by this agreement and "loses it" she will refer to a "love letter" written by Cohabitant No. 2 addressed to her in October of 2008 in which he states fairly clearly why he loves her. If Cohabitant No. 2 fails to produce another love letter in three to five years Cohabitant No. 1 may request a re-drafting of the above agreement.

I HAVE READ THE ABOVE AGREEMENT, I HAVE TAKEN TIME TO CONSIDER ITS IMPLICATIONS IN LIGHT OF THE FACT THAT FOREVER IS A LONG TIME, I FULLY UNDERSTAND ITS CONTENTS, I AGREE TO ITS TERMS, AND I VOLUNTARILY SUBMIT TO ITS EXECUTION.

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Cohabitant No. 1 Cohabitant No. 2