Six o'clock already
I was just in the middle of a dream
I was kissing Valentino
by a crystal blue Italian stream...
Decided to write down everything today:
5:00 am Oatmeal, coffee, skim milk
6:00 am Out the door
6:30 am Booting up at work
10:45 am Gym - legs, shoulders, triceps, abs
11:45 am 3 messages - 1 from angry customer, 2 from coworkers he called before me
12:30 pm Customer succumbs to my charm and apologizes for being rude
12:32 pm Campbell's soup in microwave
12:36 pm One spoonful of soup
12:37 pm Coworker in office needing help composing letter to his angry customer
1:15 pm Soup and triscuits
2:00 pm Contracts meeting
3:30 pm Shut down, end program
4:00 pm Pick up The Kid at daycare "I want to watch movies at home" wonder if people are judging my parenting skills
4:15 pm Movies, juice, put on my PJs
4:30 pm Old Man picks up dinner, plain steak burritos and green chile and carnitas
5:00 pm Discover dog poop in corner - scrub, spray, scrub
5:15 pm The Kid hates dinner and screams and tumps the plate over on the floor and dog licks up steak and rice and chips
5:30 pm The Kid wants to go outside, take off my PJs put on jeans grab a beer we play in the Old Man's work truck.
5:34 pm Look up at wide open sky feel silence all around.
6:00 pm Dirty diaper screams have to go inside.
6:30 pm Sippy cup milk watch Spongebob Squarepants put on my PJs
6:34 pm Want banana get banana Banana fingers on my shirt
6:37 pm Discuss how Wall-E is falling asleep yes he is
6:44 pm Watch The Kid watching Wall-E wide-eyed never still runs over to touch my arm
6:50 pm Husband packing for turkey trip - where is camo hat? - will have to buy a new one can't find it in black hole of closet
6:51 pm Read Zora Neale Hurston to absorb the tone and the flow and the rhythm Spongebob in the background
7:10 pm Want sausage. Sausage all gone. Want grapes? No. Want grapes? Yes. Come get your grapes baby. Sticky pudgy grape fingers on car book.
7:20 pm Screaming tired kid dirty diaper change
7:30 pm Hear old song that reminds me of ex-boyfriend. Sippy cup milk. Old Man joins us on couch fingers entwined with small stubby hands.
7:40 pm Bath time water soaks my PJs.
8:15 pm 10 minute hugs I'll see you in the morning....
But wait, that's a lie. I'll be gone at 6 and The Kid wakes up at 6:30.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tick Tock
Tired, frazzled, frozen pizza dinner night - Old Man still at work - counting down the minutes 'til bedtime.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Intentional Solitude
The Old Man's going turkey hunting for 5 days and I will be alone, juggling daycare, work and The Kid. The Old Man works every weekend so I'm used to being alone with The Kid on weekends, but I get to see the Old Man during the evenings.
Every Saturday morning I feel sort of a panic when I realize I'm staring down the barrel of a long weekend alone with The Kid. I make no apologies for this panic. Any mother with a two year old understands that it is nonstop brain focus just to make sure that the child is fed and changed and entertained. The brain doesn't get a break. There is a severe lack of adult human interaction. I get bored. So I'm really panicked thinking about these 5 days. The thing is, I will have evenings to myself, a couple of hours each night just for me after The Kid's in bed.
I crave time alone... it's like sex or chocolate or really good wine or Tavi. But when I'm faced with time alone, I panic.
I read a section from Women Who Run With the Wolves by Estes tonight (pages 292-296) about "The Practice of Intentional Solitude."
In order to converse with the wild feminine, a woman must temporarily leave the world and inhabit a state of aloneness in the oldest sense of the word. Long ago the word alone was treated as two words, all one.... That is precisely the goal of solitude, to be all one. It is the cure for the frazzled state so common to modern women, the one that makes her, as the old saying goes, "leap onto her horse and ride off in all directions."
Truly the only thing one needs for intentional solitude is the ability to tune out distractions. A woman can learn to tune out other people, noise, and chatter, no matter if she is in the midst of a contentious board meeting, no matter if she is being stalked by a house that needs to be cleaned by a bulldozer....
LOVE that bulldozer house cleaning line....
If you have ever been the mother of an insomniac two-year-old, you know how to take intentional solitude.
Why not just go with the flow and embrace the time alone and play with The Kid? I will try it, although I'm strung tighter than a piano wire and going with the flow is not something I do well.
Every Saturday morning I feel sort of a panic when I realize I'm staring down the barrel of a long weekend alone with The Kid. I make no apologies for this panic. Any mother with a two year old understands that it is nonstop brain focus just to make sure that the child is fed and changed and entertained. The brain doesn't get a break. There is a severe lack of adult human interaction. I get bored. So I'm really panicked thinking about these 5 days. The thing is, I will have evenings to myself, a couple of hours each night just for me after The Kid's in bed.
I crave time alone... it's like sex or chocolate or really good wine or Tavi. But when I'm faced with time alone, I panic.
I read a section from Women Who Run With the Wolves by Estes tonight (pages 292-296) about "The Practice of Intentional Solitude."
In order to converse with the wild feminine, a woman must temporarily leave the world and inhabit a state of aloneness in the oldest sense of the word. Long ago the word alone was treated as two words, all one.... That is precisely the goal of solitude, to be all one. It is the cure for the frazzled state so common to modern women, the one that makes her, as the old saying goes, "leap onto her horse and ride off in all directions."
Truly the only thing one needs for intentional solitude is the ability to tune out distractions. A woman can learn to tune out other people, noise, and chatter, no matter if she is in the midst of a contentious board meeting, no matter if she is being stalked by a house that needs to be cleaned by a bulldozer....
LOVE that bulldozer house cleaning line....
If you have ever been the mother of an insomniac two-year-old, you know how to take intentional solitude.
Why not just go with the flow and embrace the time alone and play with The Kid? I will try it, although I'm strung tighter than a piano wire and going with the flow is not something I do well.
To Hunker
Hunker - Verb - To hunker. Hunker down now. Can't talk, I'm hunkering. A strategy to combat the horrible things I think and say when I am restless, horny, mean, and full of self-pity.
I bet Baba Yaga went into her cabin and shut the door when she felt like this. Probably didn't even accept a booty call.
Come to think of it, she might have allowed a booty call. Booty calls are valid strategies.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Family
My parents were visiting yesterday and today, and The Kid has a cold, so my mom offered to take him to Domelandia (I grew up in a geodesic dome...I'll tell you about it sometime) so that we wouldn't have to take sick leave, and because my parents are delighted with The Kid and want to spend as much time with him as possible. Grandpa is a very recent convert to loving The Kid - he wasn't a fan of the baby stage. The Old Man and I are driving down tomorrow.
I did not grow up around my aunts or uncles or grandparents, but The Kid is growing up around his extended family. I don't really have the words to say how important my family is to me, or The Old Man's family is to me, other than that I am so very grateful that The Kid knows his aunts and uncles and grandparents. Not only does he know them, he is comfortable around them and looks forward to seeing them. He high-fived The Old Man and gave me huggins when he left in Grandpa's truck today. He told me he was going to feed the horses which I thought was really brave for a two year old who was recently bitten by a miniature horse on a hobby farm.
I did not have to rush home from work today. The house feels empty and I miss The Kid. Also, I do not miss The Kid and I'm going to dinner with my husband and am grateful for a night I don't have to be a mom. These feelings exist simultaneously.
I did not grow up around my aunts or uncles or grandparents, but The Kid is growing up around his extended family. I don't really have the words to say how important my family is to me, or The Old Man's family is to me, other than that I am so very grateful that The Kid knows his aunts and uncles and grandparents. Not only does he know them, he is comfortable around them and looks forward to seeing them. He high-fived The Old Man and gave me huggins when he left in Grandpa's truck today. He told me he was going to feed the horses which I thought was really brave for a two year old who was recently bitten by a miniature horse on a hobby farm.
I did not have to rush home from work today. The house feels empty and I miss The Kid. Also, I do not miss The Kid and I'm going to dinner with my husband and am grateful for a night I don't have to be a mom. These feelings exist simultaneously.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Old Man
The Old Man is taking his sick leave to stay home with The Kid today. Monday night he had dinner cooking when I got home from work. I didn't even have to ask. Am I in a fairy tale world? Does this really happen?
If he is wondering what would happen if a Ninja and a Spartan fought in a battle to the death - Ninjas are quicker, but Spartans have armor - who am I to deny him that pleasure? He deserves every bit of Ninja v. Spartan battle scenes. I suppose I can let him have the remote control for awhile since he's so incredibly awesome.
If he is wondering what would happen if a Ninja and a Spartan fought in a battle to the death - Ninjas are quicker, but Spartans have armor - who am I to deny him that pleasure? He deserves every bit of Ninja v. Spartan battle scenes. I suppose I can let him have the remote control for awhile since he's so incredibly awesome.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Kicking ass
Me: Hey, Baba Yaga, is it ok for women to kick ass?
Baba Yaga: That is a stupid question. Of course it's ok. Now leave, before I kick your ass.
I know a lot of women who kick ass. They are smarter than their significant others, they ask for what they want and sometimes they take what they need, not because they are being selfish or greedy but because they know that it will not occur to others to give them what they need.
Right now I am struggling with saying no, and I have to remind myself that for normal people saying no is almost the default unless they can be persuasively convinced that saying yes will benefit them somehow and not sap too much of their energy. My default is to say yes to everything - thus 2 wasted days away from the office this week when I have a full load of work waiting for me at my desk. Am I an old ugly hag (no offense BY) if I say no - do I risk losing friends?
My multiple personalities fight over this. Competitive me says that of course I can do it all, and in fact I should do it all, because most likely I will do it better than anyone else I can think of. Nice me says I should say yes just to be nice. A very small part of me, becoming a grander presence all the time, jealously protects my time. This me thinks my time is valuable, and says, "Oh yeah, you want me to do something? It'll be worthwhile? Prove it."
I am a black belt in karate, I am a tactical police baton instructor, I can shoot guns and ride horses, but SAYING NO is my new challenge. Bring it!
Baba Yaga: That is a stupid question. Of course it's ok. Now leave, before I kick your ass.
I know a lot of women who kick ass. They are smarter than their significant others, they ask for what they want and sometimes they take what they need, not because they are being selfish or greedy but because they know that it will not occur to others to give them what they need.
Right now I am struggling with saying no, and I have to remind myself that for normal people saying no is almost the default unless they can be persuasively convinced that saying yes will benefit them somehow and not sap too much of their energy. My default is to say yes to everything - thus 2 wasted days away from the office this week when I have a full load of work waiting for me at my desk. Am I an old ugly hag (no offense BY) if I say no - do I risk losing friends?
My multiple personalities fight over this. Competitive me says that of course I can do it all, and in fact I should do it all, because most likely I will do it better than anyone else I can think of. Nice me says I should say yes just to be nice. A very small part of me, becoming a grander presence all the time, jealously protects my time. This me thinks my time is valuable, and says, "Oh yeah, you want me to do something? It'll be worthwhile? Prove it."
I am a black belt in karate, I am a tactical police baton instructor, I can shoot guns and ride horses, but SAYING NO is my new challenge. Bring it!
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