Living Together

LIVING TOGETHER

COHABITATION AGREEMENT


Crazy Coppertop, Cohabitant No. 1, and The Old Man, Cohabitant No. 2, hereinafter jointly referred to as the Cohabitants, who now live together, hereby agree as follows:

1. The Cohabitants wish to establish their respective rights and responsibilities regarding each other’s emotional baggage and property and the emotional baggage and property that may be acquired, either separately or together, during the period of cohabitation.

2. The Cohabitants have made a full and complete disclosure to each other of all of their current emotional and mental liabilities.

3. Except as otherwise provided below, the Cohabitants waive the following rights:

a. To keep a list of “what he does” and “what she does” in order to bring it up at a later date.

b. To expect Holidays, birthdays and all such celebrations to be relaxing, joyous affairs.

c. To complain when Thanksgiving is celebrated at The Golden Corral buffet restaurant.

d. To any expectation of freedom from sarcastic comments when the other party is watching “their show.”

e. To waive subjection to any mental or emotional scars acquired during the course of parenthood, whether currently held or hereafter acquired.

f. To any expectation of private solitude on a regular basis or any expectation of pursuing “hobbies” that satisfy either parties’ interests and mental sanity.

g. To any expectation to “party it up” or dance at any sort of celebration unless they are stinking drunk.

4. RELEVANT EXCEPTIONS TO PARAGRAPH 3 ABOVE:

a. An unspoken running list that is emotionally suppressed may be kept by both parties.

b. Unspoken high expectations may be kept emotionally suppressed.

c. Complaints about the quality of food are acceptable; however, complaints about the physical presence of the family in a buffet restaurant on such a day are not.

d. No exceptions.

e. No exceptions.

f. Hobbies may be pursued covertly and with great shame and guilt.

g. No exceptions.

5. Cohabitant No. 1 is responsible for the following: Laundry, bathroom cleaning (except Cohabitant No. 2’s bathroom,) floor cleaning, washing sheets, pulling weeds, watering the garden, categorization and organization of household goods, remembering family birthdays and then reminding Cohabitant No. 2 that she will not in any circumstance take responsibility for gift-buying for said birthdays, scheduling doctor’s appointments for the children, completing school paperwork, suppressing her high expectations for holiday celebrations, planning meals, grocery shopping, and taking care of the emotional health of the entire family.

Cohabitant No. 2 is responsible for the following: mowing the lawn, killing the bugs that eat the lawn, standing at the window worrying about the bugs that are eating the lawn, making dinner, doing the dishes, performing repairs around the house, grilling, listening intently and quietly as Cohabitant No. 1 vents about her job five or six days a week, planning one vacation per year to ensure that both parties find immense satisfaction from being away from the kids, and understanding exactly why Cohabitant No. 1 “loses it and goes crazy” and reacting correctly. (Note: the definition of “correctly” can only be determined by Cohabitant No. 1 and will forever remain a secret.)

6. The Cohabitants have separate income and assets to independently provide for their own respective financial needs and materials that support any “hobbies” that may be attempted.

9. This agreement constitutes the entire agreement of the parties and may be modified only in a writing executed by both Cohabitants.

10. In the event Cohabitant No. 1 is unable to abide by this agreement and "loses it" she will refer to a "love letter" written by Cohabitant No. 2 addressed to her in October of 2008 in which he states fairly clearly why he loves her. If Cohabitant No. 2 fails to produce another love letter in three to five years Cohabitant No. 1 may request a re-drafting of the above agreement.

I HAVE READ THE ABOVE AGREEMENT, I HAVE TAKEN TIME TO CONSIDER ITS IMPLICATIONS IN LIGHT OF THE FACT THAT FOREVER IS A LONG TIME, I FULLY UNDERSTAND ITS CONTENTS, I AGREE TO ITS TERMS, AND I VOLUNTARILY SUBMIT TO ITS EXECUTION.

____________________________________ ______________________________
Cohabitant No. 1 Cohabitant No. 2

Choices

The gifts of a meaningful challenging job and a beautiful messy delightful family mean I make choices every day - but how lucky I am to have these choices.

What really matters to me? What do I want to be remembered for when I die? Yes, family comes first, but my values align with where I work, so work is a part of it. I help connect people to the natural world and wildlife in a way that is not packaged, canned, processed, frozen, televised, spun, disinfected or dissected; and with that connection I believe humans tap into something greater than themselves, to raw, wild life and death and our duty to immerse ourselves in it and protect it at the same time.

My family. There is the *yawn* view that it is our highest duty to raise another human being. The Old Man and I have never talked about values but I guarantee we agree on fundamental concepts:
* our children will be able to think for themselves, to participate in their education, to discover the world so as not only to become functioning adults but to have their choice in how they make their living.
* money and status aren't everything.
* our children will believe unwaveringly in their own self-worth.

There are so many demands on my energy and focus and time, and some demands are bullshit demands, let's be honest.... that it has helped me to define big picture priorities:

1. A majority of my energy goes to my family life.
2. I engage only in pursuits I find personally satisfying.
3. I nurture my mental, physical and spiritual health on a regular basis.

When I feel like dropping a six pack of High Life on The Old Man's chair as a parting gift and escaping to Mexico, or when my head pounds from stress and clanging noise, or when I can't focus because my mind has checked out, those are clues that I'm not paying attention to my top 3 priorities.

One of those things I find personally satisfying is writing... I haven't posted a lot lately, but I hope to correct that in the future.

Thanks for listening, online world. :)

The Dog is Eating Lucky Charms As I Look the Other Way

frosted whiskers gleam
the baby hits the dog
a cereal fight

the baby wins.

Torn Debate

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/07/introducing-the-motherlode-book-club/

Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood is the first book in the Motherlode Book Club hosted by Lisa Belkin (see link above.) I’m a contributor; read my essay, When I Sneeze, I Pee a Little, and you might laugh a bit. And maybe pee.

Comments are coming in on the NY Times site like crazy, and I find myself not really wanting to jump in the fray. The comments range from SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) – apparently we are labeling EVERYTHING with acronyms these days, making it that much easier to stereotype people – to die-hard career women who feel they’ve sacrificed nothing as moms in high-powered jobs.

Daycare bad
Daycare good
“Daycare at 4 months old? Why don’t you just take your kid from the hospital straight to daycare?”
Contributors are a bunch of whiny rich mothers
Quit yer bitchin’
Etcetera.

Here’s the deal. Each to her own. What works for you doesn’t work for me. Vicey versey. This is a time in history when a large number of women are the primary breadwinners (especially now in the bad economy, look it up) and are mothers with responsibilities at home.

And here’s the other deal. Women’s work is this:

Laundry

Dishes

Dinner

Diapers

Bedtime

Grocery store

Dry cleaning

Vacuuming

Calendar items, including doctor and dentist appointments, financial planner, vacations

Emotional health of entire family, including remembering birthdays, hugging children when they are crying, planning family events, sympathizing with sick kids, knowing when to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, when to walk away

Etcetera.

It’s being charge of my own emotional health plus the mental health of the entire family that is the honest-to-goodness straw on the proverbial camel for me.

Of course not every woman feels this way. But the debate obviously goes on (86 comments on the NY Times blog) and some women, like me, feel divided, feel torn.

I do feel like the story of dads is missing in the book. These days young dads like my husband juggle work and family right along beside us. But my husband doesn’t feel torn. It’s not an identity crisis with him.

By the way, the name of this blog was almost Identity Code Red, which is highly dramatic but illustrates the point.

In this time of social change when both moms and dads are going through a redefinition of roles, why the hell wouldn’t we write about it?

By the way, there’s a need for more books like this, from fathers’ perspectives. Someone write that down and go make some money off the idea. Peace out.

Slow It On Down, Baby

Shave your beard and moustache
Move your truck over so I can get by on the driveway, would ya
Don't forget the papers
You'll have to look in the filing cabinet all by yourself
Be there at one or else
You punk-ass husband

Through the rain

I heard singing

And the croak of frogs

And then

silence

And I no longer wanted to put vodka in my Orange Julius
Maybe we can knock boots instead

Book review

Of all the reviews of Torn, and wow, there have been many, this is the one I identify with the most: http://bioblog.biotunes.org/bioblog/2011/05/03/the-conflict-of-modern-motherhood-is-all-about-guilt/

It is as hard for dads these days as it is for moms. The Old Man took two months off when Baby Girl was born. He's the one who usually takes time off of work when they're sick. He picks up the kids four days a week from daycare.

In some ways, we won't ever question men's decisions on how to craft their work days as much as we'll question women's. But it is also not a mainstream idea for a man to take major time off for his family. There's less leeway and the tacit assumption that the man's wife will be at home while he works long hours or drives two hours for an emergency work call.

The Old Man and I both keenly feel pulled in too many directions - there's got to be an easier way.

Meetings

I'm new at running meetings at work.

I asked a co-worker, our Public Involvement specialist, about an idea I had to curb sarcasm during meetings.

I buy a Nerf gun.

When I hear sarcastic or negative comments, I shoot the offender.

He pointed out that I was answering an indirectly aggressive tactic with an overtly aggressive tactic. And how does that further my goal of mutual respect and an atmosphere of collaborative problem-solving?

Still, wouldn't it be fun?