"Even raw and messy emotions are a form of light, crackling, bursting with energy." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves
The veil between the mask I use to protect myself from the outside world and the animal self on the inside is thin.
I have raw
cravings
sarcasm
sexual desires
dreams
anger
savage moods
fatigue.
I'm supposed to be glowing right now, apparently, and buying baby blankets.
My body is raw. It is open for everyone to comment on how big I am and how much weight I've gained - I'm a maternity shirt on display. Too big? Not big enough? Ornery? Ornerier than usual? How am I feeling?
How are you feeling? Would you like to be asked this question 12 times a day? Would you begin to formulate creative answers? Would you avoid people, or would you love the attention?
I had this crazy notion last night while I couldn't sleep from 2:30 AM to 3:45 AM, that perhaps I should embrace all these changes, stop trying to keep the wolf on a chain and just let her out. After all, I can't control the way I look. To pretend I can is a waste of energy.
There is energy in this. Energy in the cravings and the strange sleep cycles and the dreams where I'm taking swimming lessons with past boyfriends. Directly beneath the fatigue, so close to the back of my eyelids, a restlessness is bubbling up. I feel it in the kicks and turns of my little girl.
I sense that there is some wild energy that needs to be let out, that I need to relinquish control - to give in to the cravings and the fatigue and even the rage - because it is something special that I will only have while this little life is inside me.
I think it's a good idea to relinquish control. For me, pregnancy and child birth felt like a very "animal" times. A time when self control was over rated. A time to let my inner monkey take over and do her thing.
ReplyDeleteLet it out. That little one is learning from you, feeling how you handle all those wild and raw emotions she's giving you. That little one is her mama's girl already. Testing her surroundings, craving to feel. Show her how it's done. Pregnancy gives you a free pass when it comes to answering questions and letting your feelings be. You're doing enough right now without having to also reign yourself in. Just remember, you might have to take chocolate chip cookies with you to work the next day.... :)
ReplyDeleteWould love to hear your thoughts on becoming a mother of a girl. It was a very different pregnancy experience for me than with my boy. In retrospect I think I was unsure of what a daughter would bring to my life, what that relationship would be and how I would handle it. And I promise not to ask how you are feeling or tell you your butt looks big. :) *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good idea to give up control too...so scary though. My strategy now is to avoid people. Small talk is driving me nuts right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd Brigid - all I can say is this little girl is strong. I have felt that for a long time. She's her own force. I know so many little girls lose confidence when they hit middle school, and I'm already thinking about how I can help her through that. Mostly, I just want her to be her own person and not have her ma tell her how to be too much.
Love you all!