Balance

So, I'm a working mom.

I have found that balance for me means compartmentalizing my obligations. When I am at work, I focus on work to be the most productive. When I am at home, I focus on being a wife and mother and maintaining all the domestic chores. I forget work. When I have my rare personal time, I focus on myself.

Lately, this balance also means cutting out some obligations at work. Saying no. Which is hard, because I should be able to do everything, because I'm sorta perfect that way.

I wake up though in the middle of the night, freaked out that I am missing something at home. Something important. That my mind is not focused enough on The Kid, or the New One coming. I've had moments of panic in the middle of the night where I wonder if I'll die and somehow miss all the important things in life.

So to simplify right now: I am saying no to some work obligations. When I feel rushed on the commute, or overwhelmed by my to-do lists or my mind begins to dwell on job duties, I lean towards that warm sunny place which is home, that Kid who puts a smile on my face even when he's knitting his eyebrows, that Husband who holds my hand while we're watching TV.

I'm also trying to relax about housework. Let the floor get a little crunchy under bare feet for a while. Even though I vacuumed last night, I'm trying.

In middle-of-the-night clarity, playing with and hugging my child is the only thing that matters. It's the only thing that will matter fifty years from now.